Zaregoto

-Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

“You actually hate Kunagisa Tomo, don\'t you?”

Utsurigi abruptly, without any warning or lead-in, as if natural and preordained, without a even bit of hesitation or faltering, without a moment of thought or a trace of tact, yet not particularly with pressure or haughtiness, as if looking up at or looking down upon, slickly and smoothly as if expected, said.

I did not answer.

However, silently, I looked through the glasses of the man who was once called Green Green Green (Malignant Bacteria), Utsurigi Gaisuke. Just silently, and ever silently, we looked at each other, as if facing off.

As if he were not not expecting me to answer at all from the start, Utsurigi continued his lines.

"When it comes down to it -- her very existence is, for you, a cause of hatred, and I think she is simply an object of hatred for you. Hatred, yes, hatred. You can\'t deny it, can you? Of course you can\'t. If only Kunagisa Tomo never existed, you must have thought, and you won\'t be allowed to say you never have. Not I, of course, but rather yourself won\'t allow it. Yes -- frankly, if that Dead Blue (The Blue of the Verge of Death) had never existed, I won\'t say happiness, but you may have been able to live a more ordinary life."

I did not answer.

"-- have you thought about it? With that intelligent brain of yours, which was prized and treasured within the ultimate research laboratory facility, the ER3 system, that intellect that is placed so naturally among the possessions of mankind\'s strongest, have you just once thought about it? What Kunagisa Tomo is called Dead Blue by us, such a violent, cursing name, have you thought about that reason?"

I did not answer.

"Yes, even that, a small interest or a smidgen of curiosity is all the reason needed for such a tiny and narrow question, yet your mind never wandered toward it. If that is not escape or fear or concern toward Kunagisa Tomo, then what entirely would you say it is? Your entire life is based on fleeing from Kunagisa Tomo. The moment you encountered her you\'ve entered into a rally to flee with all your legs\' might. For example, remember. Yes, remember, the you of old. The you of old had enough of acharacteristic such that even if you may not be able to puff out your chest with pride you still had no need to crawl along the ground in such a pathetic way, an individualism that caused you not to mesh into others, did you not?"

I did not answer.

"For example, even I -- this Utsurigi Gaisuke has a certainly notorious alias Green Green Green, yet compared to Dead Blue it\'s still a hundred times more normal. It\'s so much more normal I may shed tears. For some reason you know of Ayanami Hyou, but even that bundle of evil, harboring specs comparable to Kunagisa Tomo, that seeker is still simply called Cheetah (Vicious Beast). No, no. No, no, no, even before that. Even before that, have you ever pondered? Why Kunagisa Tomo, who was fourteen at the time, who is not not even fully twenty, why she, the small existence of a girl, or child, or even infant, was able to gather us and lead us. Yes, Kunagisa Tomo has ridiculous skills that clearly merit number one, such that calling her number two would be some sort of bad joke -- no, I should call it **warfaring** that she had, but even then, she was not by a significant margin number one. Yet even then, she was without a doubt our leader. It was impossible that our leader be anyone other than her. Regarding that, you have ever once been fascinated by it?"

I did not answer.

"-- that\'s because all of us knew. All of us understood. The eight members other than Kunagisa Tomo all, individually, ignoring what each of us may have thought ourselves, each and every one of us had the utmost knowledge and recognition. That myself, even this incredible self, alone, would never even possibly overcome this Dead Blue. That clump of challenging spirit and indomitable will, who would never acknowledge someone being better, that extreme egoist Hinemosu Suzu, even her, had no choice but to accept it. That is why Dead Blue -- no, we may have been able to surpass her. We may be able to surpass her, at least. If that was all it would take, that would be simple. I don\'t know about the other seven and I don\'t really care to, but at the very least, **I** could. If I were to simulate it, it would be an easy confirmation. However, I have never thought about surpassing Dead Blue. To be honest, to be more open, I should say I don\'t want to surpass her. Forget that, I don\'t even want to imagine it. If I\'m to do that and regret it, then I\'d rather stop and retreat. We all sensed it, that to step further would be enter an abnormal dimension. That\'s why, that\'s why she\'s called Dead Blue. That\'s why -- have you ever met her brother, Kunagisa Nao?"

I did not answer.

"I haven\'t encountered him that often, but even then I can tell that he is rather normal, that it\'s clear he\'s an ordinary person. Do you get what that means? They\'re made of similar genes but there\'s an oppressive difference between Kunagisa Nao and Kunagisa Tomo, and what could have caused that? It means it\'s not a problem of genes or DNAs or anything of that foredestined sort. In other words, Kunagisa Tomo is a special abnormality. Special among special. Singular among singular, unusual among unusual, that is her, Kunagisa Tomo. Yet even then she\'s so out-standing that you might think it\'s just a joke, yet so terrible that it can\'t be a joke, that\'s the type of special abnormality she is. An oddity without comparison. You\'ve got quite an interesting and bizarre personality, but you still can\'t think of yourself as stranger than Kunagisa Tomo, can you? compared to her, you\'re still and still, still and still and still and still within the bounds of a normal person. Although that may be slightly uncomfortable for you."

I did not answer.

"For example everyone would understand if we use mankind\'s strongest as an intermediary for describing ceasing. There can\'t be anyone who would oppose it. That is, after all, what is fundamentally meant by a bright, red light. However Kunagisa Tomo isn\'t red, in fact quite the opposite. She\'s the color blue, like the healthy sky, a cheerful, bright color that forgives everything and allows all. Yet regardless, her existence calls out to you and I both to cease forever and ever. Isn\'t that what it means? In the end, you\'ve not taken a single step. Six years is the time you\'ve been in that moment you met her, not learning a thing, not attaining a thing, not destroying a thing not loving a thing, and not finding a thing not abandoning a thing, six years of years and months without limit, simply, aimlessly and meaninglessly and insignificantly ceased. You\'ve ceased the whole time. Isn\'t that what it means?"

I did not answer.

"That\'s why Dead Blue is a subject of hate for you. A subject of enmity. A subject of malice, and a subject of murderous will. That has to be the case, logically. The existence that definitively changed your life. No, that\'s wrong -- the existence that definitively **did not change** your life. The existence that didn\'t allow change. Of course you\'re not a person that\'s just stupid and foolish and underhanded. You\'re stupid but sharp, foolish but smart, underhanded but clever. Within a year you\'ll recognize that oppressive truth. That Dead Blue is just a Killer Application (Dangerous Element) to you. That\'s why I ran. That\'s why I ran. That\'s why I ran. To protect myself, I fled into that enormous, unexpected system as nothing but a symbol. I don\'t have any right to complain to you about that with a noisy mouth. You do technically have freedom so I\'ll respect that. However that escape, it wasn\'t even able to formulate the shape of escape, and brought no change to you, and as a result now you\'re exactly where you started, right next to Kunagisa Tomo. The same as you were six years ago, right next to Kunagisa Tomo. You must have thought? You must have wondered? And you must have known? If Kunagisa Tomo never existed. If Kunagisa Tomo never existed. If that verge of death never existed."

If I had not seen.

If I had not seen, what would have happened.

I did not answer.

"If you did not have the ability to read people -- although that\'s a delusion that is far too great, and only a delusion that is both peasant and unpleasant. If not a delusion then nonsense. You saw the verge of death, and you met Kunagisa Tomo. And if that were all it would have been fine, or perhaps it would not have been better, but unfortunately you were mesmerized by her self, and beyond that, you mesmerized her self. That\'s so marvelous and horrible that it\'s unprecedented, and unheard of and describable as the ultimate bad luck. You probably realize it sufficiently, but I don\'t know of any worse luck. There\'s no misfortune greater than mutual feelings and mutual love, even moreso when it comes to a pair of existences as rare as the two of you. Don\'t you think? Because of your soul, which feels for her, because of her soul which feels for you, how many victims have been created? How many were wounded and fallen and rotted and buried around you two?"

I remembered them.

And them.

I did not answer.

"Just thinking back on your life a bit proves it. It\'s proven even without thinking back without looking back. Remember your life just a hair. Washing blood with blood, wiping meat with meat, paying for bones with bones, that\'s the road you\'ve walked. Hmph. That\'s quite picturesque. Yes, a symbol --. Speaking of symbols, I touched on it a bit earlier but Cheetah -- Ayanami Hyou. He\'s a boy that was the only one of us who\'s the same age as Kunagisa Tomo. Fourteen-years-old when Cluster was formed. In other words, he\'s the same ilk as Dead Blue, bearing the cross on his back titled A genius lacking in experience, and although I won\'t say that\'s why, he was the most intimate with Kunagisa Tomo among the members. Intimate. I feel a bit uncomfortable saying this as a third party, much less as someone who calls himself an equal of Ayanami Hyou, but Cheetah was definitely in love with Dead Blue. He was mesmerized, and seduced. Geniuses are always alone and isolated, but that doesn\'t mean every genius loves that. Love of compatriots -- love of the same ilk -- love of the same family -- or perhaps love of the same type. Not that it matters what it\'s called. Anyways that\'s how it was. You\'ve probably heard of Ayanami Hyou\'s searching skills from Kunagisa Tomo, so there\'s no need for me to say anything, right?"

I did not answer.

"Including the leader Kunagisa Tomo we were nine, and if a single one of us were to have dropped out the group wouldn\'t have been able to remain intact, yet even then I can say the most central were Kunagisa Tomo, and Ayanami Hyou. If we call Kunagisa Tomo the CPU then Ayanami Hyou was the monitor. Of course, of the nine members, each and every one of us were renegades of different genres, so saying that someone was the most important or someone was the second most talented, that sort of hierarchy was impossible to call, and personally I didn\'t think there was a need for it either. Regardless, for Ayanami Hyou to be attracted to Kunagisa Tomo could be called fated. You understand the reason though, don\'t you? It\'s because it\'s you that you understand, don\'t you? Or perhaps you and only you can understand. So, here\'s a question. Do you think Kunagisa Tomo responded to Ayanami Hyou\'s feelings, his soul, his words?"

I did not answer.

"The answer is no. Kunagisa Tomo didn\'t respond at all. Surprising isn\'t it? Of course it\'s surprising. At the very least, to you it\'s a surprising truth. And beyond that, it\'s not the best of circumstances. Because of this truth, because of just this one truth, every action taken by Kunagisa Tomo toward you, one by one, begins to hold a different meaning. Flipped over -- yes, upside-down would be a good expression. Although such details are not within my bounds of knowledge. Anyways, no matter how you might look at it, Kunagisa Tomo didn\'t respond to Ayanami Hyou\'s feelings. As for Ayanami Hyou, that pleasant genius probably predicted that from the start, so he didn\'t approach Kunagisa Tomo any more than necessary. Didn\'t approach -- out of necessity. Of course he didn\'t do what you\'re doing now, this foolish, cute play of distancing oneself further than necessary from the verge of death. ... Hmph, that\'s the same as then and now. Even after being plunged into prison by none other thanDead Blue herself, Cheetah still remains in contact with Kunagisa Tomo. Irresolute or effeminate or however you may want to call it -- no, that\'s probably not the case. That sort of young one understands through instincts -- solitude doesn\'t just belong to themselves. Though when you get to my age you start to forget that. -- By the way, you\'re the same age as Kunagisa Tomo, and Ayanami Hyou, aren\'t you? Nineteen?"

I did not answer.

"Then you must know through instinct. Of course you must, the difference between solitude and isolation. The disparity between heresy and extremities. Yes, with regards to that, what you think is generally correct. Utsurigi Gaisuke will say correct! I shall present to you a bouquet of correctness. With regards to that, you have no need to have general notions, not that there\'s any place for that to begin with. Rest assured. There are other things that you must fret over. That\'s the case for anything, but there being multitudes of things simultaneously in multitudes of places isn\'t favorable when it comes to processing. That\'s what I think. You have walked a road filled with copious amounts of misery and distress, but the road-less desert stretching out before you is overflowing with even more mortification. I\'ll forewarn you about that here."

What Utsurigi wanted to say.

I did not know.

I did not answer.

"This Utsurigi Gaisuke ate out of the same bowl as Kunagisa Tomo for a duration of four years, so there is none other that Utsurigi Gaisuke can warn you about. Anything else would be without exaggeration useless. It\'d be troublesome if you were to rely on me to escape from the existence of Kunagisa Tomo. Because I\'ve never crossed over to **that side**. You\'ve already crossed past the verge of death. That\'s why neither I nor for instance Ayanami Hyou would be able to provide you with words of assistance. If there is a word of advice I could provide, it would simply be words of comfort -- "It\'s too late" "Too bad" "How pitiable"."

What Utsurigi did not want to say.

I did not know.

I did not answer.

"You\'ve already, a distant time ago, a far away time ago, in your eternal past approached the end. That means you\'re at a dead end. Whether you\'ve realized it yourself, whether you\'re aware or unaware or conscious or subconscious, isn\'t something that I can determine from my vantage point. However I think that may have been for the best. It may be cruel to you but I fundamentally support Kunagisa Tomo. She was never enamored by me, but I was enamored by her. I was attracted to her, a whole block of years my junior. That\'s why I can be satisfied if Kunagisa Tomo finds happiness. But that\'s the same for you, isn\'t it? You, too, along with me and Ayanami, can not care as long as Kunagisa Tomo is fine with it. Everything else -- yourself included, doesn\'t matter."

I did not answer.

"That\'s nothing to be ashamed of. Not something to be ashamed of for even a bit or smidgen. That\'s the level of seduction and attraction commanded by that Kunagisa Tomo. The beautiful words revere and worship fit her perfectly. They fit so perfectly they can\'t be removed. Precisely in that way, with a bit of exaggeration, we can say she\'s the object of religious worship. You and I are not alone in that compared to Kunagisa Tomo we\'re but boring objects. It doesn\'t matter whether we\'re dead or alive, and I can say that without bitterness or cynicism. If she\'s One, then we\'re One of Quadrillion, and if we\'re One, then she\'s Quadrillion. If for her happiness one or two victims are made, if several lives cease, then that\'s nothing, it\'s so trivial that it\'s nothing. I don\'t care about for the greater good or for the greater happiness. That\'s not a legitimate phrase in front of her. And you probably feel the same. You must be the same."

I did not answer.

"Dead Blue calls to us. That beautiful voice calls to us, the warfront soldiers. Even now, if you listen carefully, we can hear her noble voice-- "Make Hell the Hell named Hell. Massacre the Massacre named Massacre. Guilt the Guilt named Guilt. Despair the Despair named Despair. Confuse the Confusion named Confusion, dominate the Domination named Domination. Don\'t hold back, none can obstruct us. Be proud, we, of this beautiful world. This is the bedroom of the verge of death, rampage all you want as the verge of death allows it--" it makes your heart quiver. It makes your hair rise all over your body. She\'s too much of a ruler. We\'re not talking about taking over the world, the world is simply a disposable toy for Dead Blue, an existence only until she bores of it. Of course, that goes for us, too. To her, I\'m just a toy that was slightly useful. --I definitely don\'t know how you are to her -- but because I don\'t know I ask: so, what sort of toy are you to her?"

I did not answer.

"We have to be her toys. I\'ll repeat again that it\'s nothing to be embarrassed about. Being a factor on her road is something to be proud of in this world. There\'s nothing to feel inferior about, so you should be more boastful about it. Slaves have the happiness of slaves, they say. Boast at me, that I\'m more useful to Kunagisa Tomo than you by far, isn\'t that wonderful -- or something. I have enough gumption to accept that much. Why\'re you always fidgeting about? Being used and thrown away by her is a point of honor. Being stepped on and crushed by her is a point of honor. What\'re you so ashamed of?"

I did not answer.

"I -- Green Green Green once violated the world under her orders. Cheetah. Double-flick (Two-Layered World), everyone brought revolution to the world. We didn\'t seek to be heroes. We didn\'t seek to be called demons. I had but one wish -- we had but one wish. That we wanted to be useful to Dead Blue -- that we wanted to live for her. I\'m not lying in saying that was it. With regards to the exploits of rewriting the world, with regards to the divine work of recreating history, I have no thoughts whatsoever. Crushing what was called by the public a Mansion of Demons brought about no satisfactory sense of justice, and splattering the bits and pieces of an innocent little girl\'s body caused no guilt to bubble forth. Acquiring a mountain of treasure didn\'t satisfy any material craving, and acting out a happy end at the end of a tearjerking tragedy caused no emotions to bubble forth. None of that matters to me. My goal -- no, my **reason** was before and after always singular. Singular, without choosing or losing. Singular, without jesting or joking. Blessings to her. Happiness to her. Amusement to her. Joy to her. I, in the name of Green Green Green -- destroyed everything for her. Destroyed, and destroyed what I had destroyed, and destroyed once more the things I had destroyed on top of destroying. I\'ll do anything for her. You should be the same. You\'d do anything for her -- you\'d abandon anything for her. You\'d crush the world for her. You too, for her -- would kill yourself. Isn\'t that right?"

I did not answer.

"However, -- however that\'s a hypothesis and theory that only works when Kunagisa Tomo, that Dead Blue would actually achieve happiness. Kunagisa Tomo herself is the only one who can determine whether something falls under the vague expression called happiness -- but that\'s all the same. The same as me being mesmerized by Kunagisa Tomo, and even more than you being mesmerized by Kunagisa Tomo, Kunagisa Tomo is mesmerized by you. From my perspective I can only see from within the castle of reasoning, but she would probably do anything for you. She would listen to anything you say. She would forgive anything you do. If you were to tell her to die, she would probably die. Just as you\'re obedient to her, she\'s obedient to you. That\'s what\'s called mutual feelings, mutual love -- but, in that case we can think this way, too. What if you and Dead Blue are similar and share a similar relationship, then just as your time has ceased by being with Kunagisa Tomo, then what if, just the same, because of you, Kunagisa Tomo\'s time has also ceased--"

I.

I. I.

I did not answer.

"Of course, as I said, this is just a theory. A theory, one with no materials and wrought by thinking after having the answer in front of me. Yet it\'s a theory with quite a bit of truthfulness, one that\'s worth thinking about. No matter how much blessedness and accursedness are but relative to each person\'s perceptions, and that reports of observations by third-party people are just meddlesome delusions that are neither greater than or less than intrusive, those that have failed to die and cease themselves with their own hands cannot attain happiness no matter what sort of meaning you may attribute to the word. Just as you cannot attain happiness no matter what, does that also mean that Kunagisa Tomo also will never taste true happiness? Just as the singular existence Kunagisa Tomo is a reason for you, couldn\'t it be said that you are just the very same singular existence to Kunagisa Tomo? Then ceasing is a paradox, spiraling, returning to Kunagisa Tomo through you. The verge of death becomes a dead end by overcoming herself. For as long as she\'s with you. For as long as you exist."

I.

I. I.

I did not answer.

"Yet here\'s why it\'s even more terrible, it\'s that this doesn\'t mean you need just disappear. Let\'s say I kill you here and now. Utsurigi Gaisuke murders you. This isn\'t just a hypothetical that lacks realism. As I said earlier, I\'ve got no problems murdering forDead Blue. At the very extreme least, I\'m mesmerized by her enough for that. That\'s why, for instance, I delete and annihilate your existence so that not a shred remains. However. That also means that I\'d simultaneously be annihilating Kunagisa Tomo. A temporary stoppage simply becomes an eternal stoppage. That\'s not all. Nothing changes, in fact things would get worse. How terrifying. How disgusting. The status quo must be abandoned in order to move toward the ideal, yet that ideal simply results in the worst, and the next-most ideal strategy doesn\'t exist. You\'re done for. And Kunagisa Tomo is also done for. From here onwards, the two of you will continue to end the eternity of time. Not just done for, but continuing to end. I can\'t think of a better phrase than brutal. You, and you two, are really pitiful existences. That\'s why, I have to ask you. I have that right, and you have the obligation to answer. So please, truthfully, without falsifying anything, without leaving open any crack that may invite suspicion, just simply, will you answer me?"

Utsurigi said.

"Don\'t you actually hate Kunagisa Tomo?"